Firstly - JO!!!  - I`m sorry I haven`t replied yet, I`m getting there, I recieved your email yesterday, yes the package was registered and insured, I`ll look into it today, I`ll also send you those pics I promised and an email SOON! Hope you`re feeling well honey!!

I wrote this to copy up on the 9th.

The planets are somewhere doing their intellectual thing no doubt, I just got a massive urge to write.

Do you know I can hear what I write? I wonder if you hear when you read?

I wonder if you hear my words when you read them? I wonder if you hear them right? I wonder WHAT you hear?

That`s not questions either, I don`t know what they are. I wonder why I even used question marks?

This is the first time I`ve written since the turning of the Christian New Year, incidentally three months today since Ben came back to me. That makes my heart so happy, I love him so much.

To be able to look into his beautiful eyes every morning when I wake up is like watching a sun rise, the depth and beauty is never lost.

How insane does my love for him drive me? How is it possible to feel this way every waking second? After 4 and a half years I still get the silly feeling every time I think of him.

I love watching him. The way he moves, the way the muscles in his back ripple with every movement, the way his arms flex. He really is easy to look at.

His deep, dark eyes, the way he looks into my Soul with such pure unconditional love. I love the way he loves me.

I love his dimples, how he can look so serious or angry until the dips in his cheeks give him away, I could seriously crawl into them and sleep forever.

I think the planets possibly just had a run in with Venus, Lol.

I love loving him and I love us.

When I came home today, Bambi was here, Abby (her daughter) met me at the gate asking if I knew where "Goatie" was? No idea I told her, I don`t like goats.

What I didn`t tell her was Ben and Dan let it out in the bottom paddock where it could run free and do whatever goats do, opposed to being tied to a tree with a dirty great chain around its neck weighing it down, which was exactly how her parents had left it, hiding it after telling me they`d removed it from the property.

They didn`t give a fuck about the goat, they left it for dead, and now their kid wants her pet goat back, they suddenly care?

Whatever.

That makes me feel really negative. When I got inside, Bambi was on the lounge, all kitted out in black, right down to the nail polish, she`s NEVER dressed like that. That annoys me too. I hate it when people immitate me. She had her labret pierced too.

Zombie.

I don`t want her to do anything remotely close to me to be honest. I just want her to go away. I`m being judgemental I guess, but I don`t want to be associated with someone who blows her dealer for gear.

Not my scene.

I`ve known some hard core junkies in my life, but I`ve never known any of them to exchange sexual favours for gear. Fuck kick it at cash converters if it`s that bad ya know?

Anyway, that action in itself has changed my entire outlook on Bambi, I can`t help that.

I don`t want her energy around me or my kids.

Blah. It`s her thing, I`ll leave it at that.

I`m back in my old house, I`m so happy to be home. I love this place more than anything. Craig offered it to me if I sign the divorce papers and pay half the house payments each week. It`s only because he`s scared I`ll go for a property settlement and he`d have to sell it.

He doesn`t know me at all. I`d never do that.

 But now because of his suspicious, utrusting, ugly thoughts, I`m here anyway, forever.

Just more proof that he`s only ever been interested in money and assets. And more proof to me that Karma is jumping all over him.

I don`t care anyway, I`m back in my home and I love it. There`s alot of fixing up to do, it was left a disaster. The pool is three quarters empty with an ominous black sludge living around the edges. The condition of the walls inside the house were enough to have the house condemned in my standards, absolutely covered in filth.

It had Dave, Bambi, her two uncontrollable kids and Craig living here, none of them with an ounce of house pride, it almost made me cry the first time I came back.

I`m getting on top of it though, I`m enjoying it too, I love this place so much so it`s a pleasure to do the work. OMG I can`t wait to get into the gardens!

I can`t believe how tired I am, it`s just eight thirty. Bens asleep on the lounge, I`m not going to wake him up, I hate being woken up once I`ve crashed. He looks comfortable, peaceful and extremely beautiful, his long lashes hiding those beautiful eyes from me, his dimples, dimpling as they do best.

I wonder if he`s dreaming? I wonder what he`s dreaming?

That is a question.

I`m going to meet him in his dreams and find out.

Goodnight 9th January, 2008, Christian time.

Goddess Blessings.