Today I realised so many things about myself. I have let so many things bother me lately that I have the power to control, yet haven`t. There`s so much I was blinded to that has just became so crystal clear.

Success IS important to me. I can`t believe I just wrote that, but it`s true.

To live the life I choose to live, I have to succeed - in my own reality of course, which is usually pretty different to most peoples realities.

I was always of the mindset that "what will be will be, everything for a reason etc etc, as long as I took the lesson from the given situation it was all good, even if it didn`t appear that way at times.

I was half right and half wrong.

One would think I`ve been having some bad karma experiences lately - I`ve been defected in the truck, it broke down, almost everything in it needed replacing, I was left without transport for almost 2 weeks. My computer broke down, my washing machine died, we ran out of water and couldn`t get any for 4 days, the Circle was vandalised, Ben got in trouble at work and reprimanded, Ben got 2 speeding tickets, the door FELL OFF the truck, Nat had an experience with Craig and now goes to the school counsellor, Two of our cats died, I almost gassed myself in the truck by having all of the windows exceot the back one up, which created a wind suction thing straight into the truck, filling it with exhaust fumes, I started feeling very relaxed and tired, ended up passing out in the car park at the shops,the doctors thinking I`d had or was having a stroke, until we figured out I had carbon monoxide poisoning, the plod looking for my boys, Bek being hassled about her hair, clothes dryer broke down...piles of other stuff I can`t remember....

BUT I took it on the chin, it wouldn`t have been happening if it wasn`t meant to be, there were lessons somewhere.

What I couldn`t figure out was why it was mundane material shit that was happening. There had to be a "material" lesson in it, but I don`t "do" material so why was I being presented over and over again with material dramas?

I was being consumed with worries, always in the back of my mind was "how will I cover this? When can we pay for that?"

As a result everything was suffering, I was moody and anxious, I was emotional eating which was resulting in my self esteem falling lower and lower, I started abusing painkillers - something I do when I`m "suffering" in my mind. I was losing interest in everything, my house was a mess.

Cluttered on the inside, cluttered on the outside.

I started making my books and signs for my business again, financially I was ****ed up and for the first time in my life I started asking my cards for financial guidance. I wasn`t really understanding the readings, because I wasn`t recognising what was going on in me, I`d never bothered about finances before, I either had them or didn`t, what was meant to be was meant to be, if I was broke I was meant to be etc.

Then I actually asked Hecate for help as well.

I cleaned the house from top to bottom, I started an exersize program, and I decided to give myself a gift - one of my books that I`d made a while ago that I couldn`t understand why nobody had bought, I loved it, it`s the most beautiful book I`ve made I reckon and I`ve never kept any of my books. SO I know it was meant for me.

I`ve realised that it IS important for me to be successful, materially, mentally, emotionally, physically and Spiritually.

By tending to my business, which I LOVE doing, I`m generating financial and material success, which in turn makes it easier for me to focus on my Spirituality, Mentality, Emotions and Self in general. If I don`t have to focus on real world shit then MY world is perfect, so in order for that to happen I have to succeed IN the real world.

How ironic is that.

And my readings were telling me that all along, I just chose to ignore the material warnings, which is why I was thrown into an overwhelming demand for finances in the real world.

I know now :D and I`m onto it!

I love it when that happens.