*I love going through my writing to see how muh I`ve grown. I found this in a 2003 journal.
"I am now, right at this point in time, exactly where I always pictured myself, in the exact situation. How fucking trippy is that. It`s like I predicted it, it really is. Its as if all my "knowings" have led to one huge "knowing", it feels like my spirituality is at its peak. Absloutely everything makes sense. fucking wow! I don`t know how to describe it.
This morning I did a protection ritual, to signify a new start, fresh beginning, untouched day . How awesome.
I hung incense from the protection bag Lia made ofr me, I put some water from the pool, a horseshoe for luck,health and some of madams shed skin for protection and new beginnings.
I lit a candle on either side of the step.
A bit later a HUGE goanna walked right across the front of the house where I did the ritual,as if staking out protection ground! How very awesome. I love when this happens.
I feel so fulfilled right now, I don`t have not one drama. Not like at home, its kind of hard to get used to, a bit intimidating I think.
When your mind is so used to worrying about "something" all the time, having nothing to occupy that part of your brain is nothing short of fucking hard. kind of like giving up smoking I guess. Its funny, I`ve been completely dissecting my life the last few days, looking at "what ifs" and I`m so glad I made the choices I have.
At the time they were sometimes heartbreaking, and I used to say I know everything happens for a reason but fucked if I know what that particular reason was. Now I do.
It`S ALL happened so I could be who I am today. I`ve known the worst I think you could know, there`s so much pain and badness in some of the places I`ve been.
I don`t ever want to know that again, but I`m thankful I have, it seriously proves balance to me, because know I know the best of happiness and good.
Which puts me on another thought that is really quite trippy. every single thing I do SHOWS cause and effect to me. I can feel it. I wonder if other people notice it as much. I doubt it. I wish they did and put the positive forward more often.
I`m going to. So many signs and pushes in the spiritual direction, its so powerful it can be overwhelming at times.
Blessed Be
*Never again the same thought nor moment. To become a memory. Make it a memory worth remembering"
Alrighty then.... "Bek" signs have been everywhere, I`ve being TRYING not to be neurotic about them but really.....this is my child we`re talking about.
OK.... last Saturday we went and had a birthday picnic at "The Best of All Lookout", we walked to it, it was an awesome sight, absolutely beautiful, we looked down onto waterfalls, the scenery was amazing.
The only sad thing was when you looked in the direction of the city, the clouds were almost black from all the smog. Anyway one of the mountains we were looking out at was called "Mount Warning", I kept staring at it, it freaked me out a little bit, it looked really omnious. Very dark. It kinda stayed in my head for a while, being "warning", I watched for warning signs all day. I felt uneasy. Craig and I had had the worst fight we`d ever had, he totally yelled at me, so I thought I was being warned about the whole thing.
THAT afternoon while I was "cloud gazing", the clouds were forming letters, I was in a mood with Craig cos he yelled at me AGAIN, so I was looking for signs to say I was right, he was wrong. The clouds spelt out "R C B", I thought "yep CB", Craigs second initial is B, I was wondering what the R could stand for, then it hit me, RCB is Beks full initials.
I was being warned about her. I felt all fucked up then, cos it was only the day before I told her she COULD go on the beach camp.
So I`m thinkin, maybe I`m being paranoid ya know? But I can`t stop thinking of Kenny everytime the ocean is mentioned, THATS real and that happened, those feelings are very real and Kennys very gone. (my brother drowned in the ocean October 2005, aged 26 - Blessed be my bro)
So I`m having this "inner battle" what should I do.
Yesterday on the radio, a 45 year old man (Blessed Be) drowned on the weekend at Noosa, he was on a business trip and decided to have a dip in the ocean, yep the signs are everywhere I`m thinkin.
Then I got a txt from Ness last night, the first one since we parted ways, she said she hoped we were all well and that my garden was growing. The first part of the message was a whole lot of mixed up letters and symbols, Craig said it looked like a code or something, another language even, the first part of the "code" spelt out "it is bek"....Fark another sign. I started trippin out.
I spoke to Mel about it later on, she`s my sanity and logic, I told her about the " Bek signs", I know she thinks I`m fucking my kids up by being so paranoid, so I try to downplay it a bit now when I talk to her about it cos I feel silly, like it`s not justified. She basically compared it to "when your pregnant you see pregnant people everywhere" scenerio, which I agreed with and put down to me being paranoid AGAIN!!
She also assured me that kids don`t die on school excursions, I had to agree.
THEN this morning I open my email, the msn news page opens up as it usually does, I usually close it, I don`t know why I didn`t, anyway it says a Gold Coast boy (11) has gone missing on a SCHOOL EXCURSION yesterday afternoon, they were still looking for him this morning and now as far as I know (May the Goddess giude him safely home). They were on a nature walk.
I lit some candles for him and asked the Goddess to guide him safely home, then I went back to the news site to see if there was any progress in the search.
The place of the nature walk was a MOUNT WARNING! SCHOOL EXCURSION!
11 YEAR OLD KID MISSING! (beks 11).
Beks name in the clouds THAT day!
The txt message "code" that said "it is bek"!!!
FARK!!!!!
I felt fucken sick straight away, it just all went bang bang fucken bang.
THATS no trippy fucken coincidence, no fucken way is it.
The Goddess has SHOWN me. Fuck I`m still spinnin out about it.
Fortunately, some of the people you come across have a very specific mission. They are light people, and their mission is to light up the world. Strangely, sometimes they don't even know it themselves. It just so happens that they bring light wherever they go. They may not realize their part in it, and think it's just coincidence. However, when they actually recognize and realize the power of light, they can use it in positive ways. I like to call it magic. Being a light person means that you shine, and you help others shine. Like a candle lighting another, you don't lose power by doing so, you increase the light with every candle that is lit - with every person that you help.
I had the most amazing dream last night, I was actually visited by the Goddess! I`ve never, ever actually dreamt of her before.
I was in a paddock of some sort, I had a camp set up under a tree, not far away there was a house, it was my house, I was camping outside for some reason. I`d been for a walk, the scenery was totally beautiful, it had such a calmness to it. Near where I was camping, I`d been watching the shadows on the ground for ages, I walked over to them and there was a Goddess symbol indented in the grass, with her arms over her head in a circle, kind of. I just stood there and looked at it, and thought it was odd I hadn`t seen it before cos it had always been there, it just had that feeling. I knelt down and touched the indentation, it felt beautiful, the most beautiful thing I`ve ever felt. It was kind of soft and warm. It was beautiful, I can`t think of any other word for it. I couldn`t stop touching it, I just loved the feeling of it.
Then I was in the kitchen of the house, and Sarah and Aaron (my sister and her boyfriend), Craig (my husband)and Aarons dad (who I don`t know) and Haydn(my nephew- 1 year old) were sitting at the kitchen table, talking. Haydn was sitting on Aarrons dads lap. I heard them say something about taking Haydn somewhere on Anzac day. I went over to the table and said "I know I say this all the time and you think I`m a nut (cos Aarons dad thought I was a crazy), but I can`t stress the importance of this hey......."
Aaron and Craig rolled their eyes, and Sarah got up and took Haydn and walked into the other room, then Aaron followed her. The room they went into was like a waiting room, all white and clean. Haydn was on Aarons lap, I could see them from where I was standing and they could see and hear me as well, Aaron was looking at the ground like he was feeling guilty about what I was saying. I couldn`t see Sarah but I knew she was on the other side of Aaron and she could hear me to. I started crying, and saying to Aarons dad and Craig " How do you think I`ve kept my kids alive so long? I don`t take them anywhere at holiday times, you just can`t! You`ve got no business taking kids on the road in holiday time, it`s wrong".
I was absolutely bawling my eyes out by then, and was crying to Sarah and Aaron not to do it, saying that I knew something would happen because I`d felt the Goddess symbol in the grass, I was devastated because they were going to take Haydn on the road and he would die.
That was it.
* I think I was warned by the Goddess that something was going to happen to Haydn if they took him on a trip. Every time I think of that grass patch I feel SO calm, I really do, it`s like soothing even! Beautiful. I rang Sarah this morning and told her about the dream, just incase they were planning a trip or something. So she knows not to drive with Haydn. They are actually going to a wedding in September, in NSW, I know they won`t be able to afford to both fly down there, but I`ve made it more than clear that if they decide to drive, I can`t let them take Haydn. They think I`m a nut, I told them I`d get a court order if they didn`t listen, they might think I`m a nut, but they do listen so I`m happy now!
Beginning today I will no longer worry about yesterday.
It is in the past and the past will never change. Only I can change by choosing to do so.
Beginning today I will no longer worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to make the most of it. But I cannot make the most of tomorrow without first making the most of today.
Beginning today I will look in the mirror and I will see a person worthy of my respect and admiration. This capable person looking back at me is someone I enjoy spending time with and someone I would like to get to know better.
Beginning today I will cherish each moment of my life. I value this gift bestowed upon me in this world and I will unselfishly share this gift with others. I will use this gift to enhance the lives of others.
Beginning today I will take a moment to step off the beaten path and to revel in the mysteries I encounter. I will face challenges with courage and determination. I will overcome what barriers there may be which hinder my quest for growth and self-improvement.
Beginning today I will take life one day at a time, one step at a time. Discouragement will not be allowed to taint my positive self-image, my desire to succeed or my capacity to love.
Beginning today I walk with renewed faith in human kindness. Regardless of what has gone before, I believe there is hope for a brighter and better future.
Beginning today I will open my mind and my heart. I will welcome new experiences. I will meet new people. I will not expect perfection from myself nor anyone else: perfection does not exist in an imperfect world.
But I will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles.
Beginning today I am responsible for my own happiness and I will do things that make me happy . . . admire the beautiful wonders of nature, listen to my favorite music, pet a kitten or a puppy, soak in a bubble bath pleasure can be found in the most simple of gestures.
