You know what, last night I was going thru some of my books and found a whole collection devoted to  Ben. The love story behind us is tragic, sad and wonderfully crazy, it really is. If I hadn`t of known the love I was beaten with the first time I laid eyes on this perfect creature, I wouldn`t be who I am today,I`d still believe that love was just a sick joke.

I`m not really one for emotions, that`s why I paint and write, it`s easier to express. I`ve had alot of pain in my life, mentally, physically and emotionally. I dealt with them all except the emotions, I hate them, I think they`re over rated personally. :P

Anyway, I`ll get to all of that another time.

A quick background though, I met Ben 5 years ago whileI was with my husband. Ben was 19, I was 31. The absolute moment we laid eyes on eachother, the earth moved, it was THE craziest thing that`s ever happened to either of us.

I have NEVER felt such an instant attraction to anyone, we talked all night, the whole world dissapeared just for one night, it was like we`d known eachother for a lifetime and many more before that, if I`d ever doubted love at first sight, that night changed everything.

Might I add that it was the Beltaine full moon.

Anyway, here`s the entry from my BOS

Here I go again, same old, same old.
My eyes are on him the entire time I`m near him. Fuck me but he`s easy to look at, well he`s not really, just watching him is painful.
I love him and want him to distraction, but it can never be. I`ll never stop loving him though, and he`ll never stop loving me. It just is.
The look of protection and ownership he gets in his eyes when someone speaks to me, blows my heart to pieces.
I was right when I left, I left my heart and my passion with him, it lives within him.
Every minute that I`m with him, I hold it for all that I can, every second that I`m away from him, I`m missing him.
Fuck I love him so much.
I don`t ever want to let him go.
His eyes. His eyes eat at the very core of my soul, whatever sanity I possess leaves me the minute he walks in the room.

I speak to him just to hear his voice,  I can taste his words.
My whole world lights up when he`s in it.
This is probably the only instance I`ll ever question fate, cos it`s a fact, we can never be together, we both know it, it fucks with us both to no end, but when we`re together sparks fly.

My heart will break into a million pieces again when I leave this time, it gets harder each time.
I know I will never get over him, I`m not even trying anymore, I just love him, that`s a cruel fact.
Fuck I adore this man, there`s a hole in my soul and it`s in the shape of him.
The way I feel when he looks into my eyes. Crazy.

I thought I could deal with this, we both did. And we did... well for all of.....3 seconds when we saw eachother.
The way he looks at me is as if i`m the only woman on this planet, he could have any woman he wanted, but he loves me so much he just waits.
Lee told me the other day that he`s always trashed when I`m gone and doesn`t give a fuck about anything.
I made a joke to him about it and asked him if he was saving himself for me, he looked at me with those fucking beautiful eyes and said in his deep soft voice "of course I am baby".
That`ll do me every time.
Have I mentioned how much I love him
Fuck yes I do.
I have a hole in my soul that only he will ever fill.