I`m sulking and feeling sorry for myself and now it`s been turned around and I`M the brat, now I have to wonder IF I am.

Ok, so the truck died this morning, now we`re faced with the question which vehicle do we fix?

The truck so far has had everything fixed, now ALL it needs is a new engine, drivers side door and back window.

My car needs cosmetic surgery - 2 front panels, a bonnet and rego. Other than that it`s mechanically sound.

We have the money to do ONE.

I vote for the car, Ben for the truck.

Bens reasons for the truck are - easy off road accessible for woodcarting......and other off road things? And that once the engine is in it, it`ll go forever.

Mine for the car are - it`s less than 10 years old, it`s a "family" car, it`s a nice car, a reliable car, it can travel distances, it WILL last forever cos it`s young, and have I mentioned it`s a f*cking nice car? Well it is.

Cosmetically the truck is f*cked. The interior is torn, worn and f*cked. It gets treated with very little respect cos it can go off road, so f*ck it, if you get bogged just cover the whole thing in mud, who cares? Is the general attitude. There`s mud `n shit right through it, like worn into it.

Exterior wise, well it`s a four wheel drive, an old one - like 1987 model. It`s spent its whole life in the bush being taken off road `n shit. You do the math.

I think Ben`s being selfish, he`s not thinking about us as a family group, he thinks he is cos he can get wood.

Yeah it`s nice in SUmmer driving with the top off and yeah I feel "tuff" when I drive it cos it`s a "boys" truck, but I feel good when I drive my car too, it`s stylish and classy.

The thing is, we can only get one fixed, the other we can`t afford to have fixed so it will be sold in favour of buying something cheaper, whether it be a car or a truck, whichever goes.

I like them both but I prefer my car. Mainly for materialistic reasons, but f*ck...it`s a NICE car!

And worth a PILE more than the truck and probably cheaper on petrol.

So I`m sulking because I`m not getting my own way. Is THIS the attitude I have to lose?

I`ve lived in shit in my life and driven shit in my life, I LIKE nice things, not extravagant(can`t even spell it), just nice things.

I dunno.

Am I a brat?

I`m over it. Everything can get f*cked from me.

I wanna know WHAT THE **** I`VE DONE SO BAD for the Universe to be dishing THIS SHIT out to me????????

RAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok break it down.

We attract energy right? So if we`ve got ****ED UP energy, then it`s our own fault agreed?

*nods*

So what if we DON`T KNOW OUR ENERGIES ****ED???? THEN WHAT HUH????

I got in the truck this morning to take Bek to the bus stop, I decided I`d go into the chemist while I was active then I could just get on with my day, so I drop Bek off, wave....Nat stayed with me cos she`s having an anxiety thing going on about school so we`re going to the school to sort that out, so me and Nat head off into town. Yay today rocks doesn`t it!

It`s Friday the 13th! Good energy day! Everyone else in the world is focusing on bad luck so I take the opportunity to draw on GOOD energy cos there`d be heaps of it around wouldn`t there?!!!

****en oath there would be :D

We get about 13 KILOMETRES up the road, PAST THE ROAD WORKS, cruisin along.....CLANG....CLANG...****EN BANG!!!

The truck stops, and I mean it stops. Seizes, dies, smoke, noise, ****en death. It stops.

There I sit on the side of the ****ing highway, with just socks on my feet cos I`m ONLY GOING INTO THE CHEMIST, Nat with her pyjamas on, I`ve got NO ****ING CREDIT on my phone and I`m 13k`s from home.

Oh and it`s 7 o'clock in the morning AND FREEZING ****ING COLD.

How grande. I love being me.

So out we jump, and begin the trek home, past the road workers, in my WET SOCKS now, Nat in her jammies, alllllllllll the way home..like 2 ****ING HOURS WALK HOME.

I fell through a fence, I got caught on a ****ing fence and ripped the crutch out of my pants and a hole out of my thigh and I got a spider on me.

SO NOW here I sit with no ****ing car and no washing machine - which has nothing to do with anything, now I`m just feeling sorry for myself! And I`m really unhappy.

I`m attracting this energy to myself, it wouldn`t be around me if I wasn`t and with the shit luck I`ve been having I have to wonder WHAT THE ****?!

I`m analyzing everything and I don`t know what I`m doing wrong. I`ve got absolutely no idea. I`m a good person, I`ve been good - well the best I know how to be which is pretty ****ing good for me. I cleansed myself in a waterfall last weekend, I had the signs telling me that I`m surrounded by new energy, so what the ****???

All my cards are telling me is I have to let go of some ****ing thing or thought, well WHAT???

****.

I just don`t know. I know that I`ve never had this much shit luck energy before.

What I do know is I`m OVER IT.

I`ve mirrored myself, I`ve cut ****en energy cords, I`ve done everything just incase it`s someone elses energy ****ing with my shit.

I keep thinking I have an idea what`s going on, but I don`t, I change my mindset, I got organised, I re arranged my WHOLE ****ING HOUSE and put everything in the exact opposite direction to what it was in the hopes of the energy turning around.

I`m sad and I`m sorry for myself! It`s very hard to keep a positive outlook sometimes you know.

Even the Universe is taking advantage of my good nature.

BLAH!

 

Today I realised so many things about myself. I have let so many things bother me lately that I have the power to control, yet haven`t. There`s so much I was blinded to that has just became so crystal clear.

Success IS important to me. I can`t believe I just wrote that, but it`s true.

To live the life I choose to live, I have to succeed - in my own reality of course, which is usually pretty different to most peoples realities.

I was always of the mindset that "what will be will be, everything for a reason etc etc, as long as I took the lesson from the given situation it was all good, even if it didn`t appear that way at times.

I was half right and half wrong.

One would think I`ve been having some bad karma experiences lately - I`ve been defected in the truck, it broke down, almost everything in it needed replacing, I was left without transport for almost 2 weeks. My computer broke down, my washing machine died, we ran out of water and couldn`t get any for 4 days, the Circle was vandalised, Ben got in trouble at work and reprimanded, Ben got 2 speeding tickets, the door FELL OFF the truck, Nat had an experience with Craig and now goes to the school counsellor, Two of our cats died, I almost gassed myself in the truck by having all of the windows exceot the back one up, which created a wind suction thing straight into the truck, filling it with exhaust fumes, I started feeling very relaxed and tired, ended up passing out in the car park at the shops,the doctors thinking I`d had or was having a stroke, until we figured out I had carbon monoxide poisoning, the plod looking for my boys, Bek being hassled about her hair, clothes dryer broke down...piles of other stuff I can`t remember....

BUT I took it on the chin, it wouldn`t have been happening if it wasn`t meant to be, there were lessons somewhere.

What I couldn`t figure out was why it was mundane material shit that was happening. There had to be a "material" lesson in it, but I don`t "do" material so why was I being presented over and over again with material dramas?

I was being consumed with worries, always in the back of my mind was "how will I cover this? When can we pay for that?"

As a result everything was suffering, I was moody and anxious, I was emotional eating which was resulting in my self esteem falling lower and lower, I started abusing painkillers - something I do when I`m "suffering" in my mind. I was losing interest in everything, my house was a mess.

Cluttered on the inside, cluttered on the outside.

I started making my books and signs for my business again, financially I was ****ed up and for the first time in my life I started asking my cards for financial guidance. I wasn`t really understanding the readings, because I wasn`t recognising what was going on in me, I`d never bothered about finances before, I either had them or didn`t, what was meant to be was meant to be, if I was broke I was meant to be etc.

Then I actually asked Hecate for help as well.

I cleaned the house from top to bottom, I started an exersize program, and I decided to give myself a gift - one of my books that I`d made a while ago that I couldn`t understand why nobody had bought, I loved it, it`s the most beautiful book I`ve made I reckon and I`ve never kept any of my books. SO I know it was meant for me.

I`ve realised that it IS important for me to be successful, materially, mentally, emotionally, physically and Spiritually.

By tending to my business, which I LOVE doing, I`m generating financial and material success, which in turn makes it easier for me to focus on my Spirituality, Mentality, Emotions and Self in general. If I don`t have to focus on real world shit then MY world is perfect, so in order for that to happen I have to succeed IN the real world.

How ironic is that.

And my readings were telling me that all along, I just chose to ignore the material warnings, which is why I was thrown into an overwhelming demand for finances in the real world.

I know now :D and I`m onto it!

I love it when that happens.

So after the whole plod episode on Monday, I go to get the girls from the bus.They were both ten foot tall when I`d left them in the morning, sporting new hair styles, lookin and feeling great. I`ve put pics up of them, they`re gorgeous.

Nat got light purple streaks in her fringe and pony tail, Bek went all out and got "red corvette" streaks through hers and it looks awesome!

I need to explain something here - I don`t "do" suppression with my kids. If they want to express, they express. I find with my girls it`s usually channelled with maturity, even negative energy - paint a black rainbow, whatever, but THEY have their own control over their expression. I`m not a dictator.

On saying that, neither of my girls have been in trouble at school or anywhere else - ever.

I`ve always been commended on how well behaved, mannered, genuine, helpful, kind and respectful my kids are. Always.

Bek has been bullied, she knows not to react out of anger, she`s been teased and picked on for her weight but she knows that "little people" need to make "big people" feel "little" in order to feel "big" themselves. She just doesn`t indulge them.

She`s just a good, kind, loving, NON JUDGMENTAL kid.

We ARE an expressive family, Bek being a Leo especially loves it. I let her go for it, I`m not going to have an oppressed 16 year old who has a Pandoras box full of unexpressed childhood head ****s that don`t need to be there.

Know what I`m saying?

My focus here is on Bek, because that kid got on the bus this morning with her head held high and a bounce in her step, this afternoon she got off with slumped shoulders and a dejected look on her face.

She got into the truck and burst into tears.

What? What? Tell me?!

She tells me between sobs that she was removed from the playground at school and made spend her lunch hour in the DETENTION ROOM BECAUSE OF HER HAIR.

What the ****? Start again, I`m missing something.

I thought she said she got detention because of her HAIR.

She did. And I`m STILL missing something.

Me - What about your  hair? It`s ****en hair.

Bek - It`s inappropriate for school.

Me - What is? Hair?

Bek - No, the colour. It`s inappropriate and I have to have it out by tomorrow and see the principal before class to show her (she bursts into tears again.

Me - Your hair?

Bek - Yes mum, my hair.

Me - Is inappropriate?

Bek - yes mum.

Me - Who told you that?

Bek - The Detention teacher and the principal and the teacher that sent me to detention.

Me - Why were you in detention?

Bek - Because of my hair.

Me - You need to start from the beginning chicky, I`m comin to school with you tomorrow.

Nat pipes up proudly from the back seat - My teacher said my hair is very pretty.

I say - it is honey, both of you look beautiful.

I can`t believe I can`t sleep right now because of hair.

Really. Lets examine hair.

It grows on most peoples heads and they **** with it. They tie it up, straighten it, colour it, put wax and gel and all sorts of sticky shit in it, they style it, they cut it, they grow it, they lose it.

Who gives a ****?

It`s hair.

Mines ****en pink, Bens is a mo hawk, Dans is shaved and Nats is purple.

Big ****ing deal.

IT`S HAIR!

I`m losing sleep over this shit.

Ok, so Beks sitting at school eating her lunch, a teacher walks by and says "I don`t know if your hair is appropriate for school uniform".

Deadset that`s how it started. What the ****?

Who is she? The ****en HAIR NAZI?

So she writes a note and tells Bek to go see the detention teacher then assigns a kid to escort her, I`m presuming this is incase she does a runner, you can never tell with those "inappropriate hair" wearers.

She gets to the detention room, a little bit freaked out cos she`s not sure if she`s in trouble or not and what she`s done wrong?

The detention teacher reads the note and says "NO,NO,NO! WHY did you do THAT?"

Bek says "cos it`s what I wanted and mum said yes"

The detention teacher shook her head, told Bek she was a SILLY GIRL and to take a seat. She then proceeded to tell Bek the perils of dying ones hair.

SO ****ING WHAT?? IT`S HAIR!

IT NEVER ****ING RUNS OUT! If you shave it, it grows back and if it doesn`t, who gives a ****? Wear a hat, a bandana, a wig, it doesn`t matter. You know why?

COS IT`S ****ING HAIR.

It grows from you, it doesn`t make you.

Then the teacher went on to tell Bek that she`ll never fit in anywhere if she keeps having unacceptable hair.

By this time Beks feeling like shit, she`s had her new look that she was so happy with torn to shreds by INCONSIDERATE JUDGEMENTAL ****S and still isn`t sure if she`s in trouble.

The bell goes and she gets sent back to class, only to be called out to the Principals office.

She shit herself. What`s the scariest thing that can happen when you`re a kid at school? Getting called to the Principals office. She started crying before she even got there and told them she was so sorry, she didn`t know she was doing anything wrong.

The shit this is doing to my head so far is sooo ****ing unhealthy.

She gets to the office and the Principal tells her that THE WAY SHE LOOKS IS INAPPROPRIATE, she is to remove the red from her hair and report to the office before class the next day so they can make sure it`s gone.

The way she looks.

Who the **** tells a kid that "the way they look" is ****ed?

WHO does that shit? No-one with a ****ing heart.

I`m going to see the hair nazis tomorrow.

*sigh* WHY do people have to make shit so much harder than it needs to be?

Really.

I re-iterate.

It`s hair.

Now it`s going to turn into a "society acceptability" means test shit ****ing pile.

I don`t "do" society and I don`t "do" judgement, therefore I think their standards should **** off and cling to their own kind.

And Bek isn`t changing her hair until SHE choses to.

Blah.